What a pain in the a***

So my fourth operation is booked for 14th June - only two weeks before our family holiday to Centre Parcs; typical - however it will probably be the break I need just at the right time.  The operation will consist of 5-6 injections, in my spine, full of a chemical to relive the chronic pain I am in and allow me to have a better quality of life, temporarily, for around a year. As I said  before, I don't feel I have much to lose at this point.  Things have been really tough - due to a variety of circumstances, I am verging on chronic fatigue; I can hardly move from my bed, my muscles ache, I have constant headaches and my head has started to tremor, which felt like a mild seizure, when I lie down. I have put this towards stress mostly and have vowed to step away from people and activities for the coming weeks until my surgery, unless I feel up to it, listening to my body the entire time. Its been through so much the last couple of years and has still managed to keep me stan...

Perhaps I should join the circus. I'm really good at juggling.  My life at the moment feel like a series of spinning plates - I'm constantly watching each one and catching the one that are about to fall and smash to pieces. One is my health, then you have my children, my husband, my career and I need to grow more arms to keep them all spinning happily and obliviously to the fact that my head is about to explode.   I went to see my surgeon last week and broke down. Embarrassingly crying, hyperventilating and unattractively  broke down and realised in that moment how angry I was. Its been six months since the last operation and I'm still in so much pain; its based mostly where my coccyx used to be but sometimes it shoots down my legs and when I'm stressed it shoots up my back to the point that I can hardly move - I need medication to get me through the day - pain medication at that but now with my PTSD diagnosis that  also includes Citalopram .   Every single day ...

This week marks my 31st birthday.  I have mixed feelings - I feel as though my recovery has been slow and that I haven't felt much improvement, but I have felt more positive than I have in the six months since my last operation - as though I am due and deserve to celebrate.  As we ease out of lockdown, the options to celebrate are limited, but if I'm honest with myself I don't yet feel ready for the big wide world - aside from my boys, I feel like I have no news or change to report and have felt stuck on pause for weeks upon weeks. I haven't drank alcohol for a long time and wouldn't feel ready to 'party' as such -  I'd like to stay within the cocoon I've built around myself until I'm healed enough to face everyone.  We plan to spend the next three days as a family of four or seeing immediate family on both sides;  celebrating and creating memories, hopefully with some sunshine (!!)  I'm looking forward to Covid restrictions easing further, w...

 I think with a major operation, just because it is over, doesn't mean the struggle ends there. It isn't like having a tooth out for example - the hardest part of the journey is the recovery, the time in between operations, building yourself up to then get knocked back down; stripped of your energy and shine.  Its been a really hard week. The pain doesn't feel as though it is getting any easier, sometimes it feels as though it is getting worse and I've spent more night's lying awake in pain, than I have in a blissful deep sleep, healing my broken body.  I spoke to my surgeon this week and expressed my concern over the pain I am still in, five months after my last operation, he said that due to the fact my situation is so unique and the operation's were so complex, he would need to refer me to a pain specialist consultant. My surgeon confirmed that things aren't going as they should with my recovery - in regards to the pain and functionality - for example, my...

To make matters worse  the nurse next to the anaesthetist exclaimed ' oh is it that you?!'  and then turning to me -  'I've heard all about you and your husband! - we laugh about that all the time!'   Fantastic.  Laying there on the bed once again, waiting to be wheeled in and cut open, I could see the medical staff bustling in preparation through the square windows on the double doors. I focused instead, on the beeping machines that I was being hooked up onto. A pillow was put under my head and the hospital knickers were slid off, which is always a very incredibly vulnerable feeling - as I stated in my post about the first operation, in order to remove the tumour I needed to be face down, bum up for the duration of the surgery - so of course I had to be knickerless but there really is nothing attractive about that image. As I was counting down from one hundred whilst breathing in the general anesthetic, my anxiety grew once again. My mind rushed with ...

Lockdown taught us many things. The biggest lesson it taught my husband and I is how difficult it is to entertain not one, but two toddlers when you have not got the luxury of soft play, play parks or swimming pools to entertain them - when they become bored with their toys or books and TV or Disney films just don't cut it. We ended up buying them a new slide and playhouse that spring, along with lots of new books just to keep them entertained. We taught them how to bake bread, to grow fruit, vegetables and how to plant flowers. Our house was also transformed that spring, in a spring clean to the max - almost every room was re decorated and the boys tried a hand at helping to paint with their dad - which ended up in chaos as you can imagine - but a lot of fun.  I spent my 30th birthday during the first national lockdown - we were meant to go away as a family to Cornwall at a rented...

I've recently realised that my children have no concept of time and what is appropriate; it is early February and they are still determined to watch 'The Grinch', 'The Snowman'  - I have heard the chorus of 'We're walking in the air' more times than I can count and it's messing with my annual clock. They look at me with confusion when I stress ' You can't play that it's February!' or 'Please don't sing Jingle Bells; its not Christmas!' - like,' mother, calm down, it's just a song, why does it matter? what is February anyway, aside from just being a word?'. I mean it's not really the response I get, what I actually get is; ' why? why? why? why?'.  Things aren't how they 'usually' are at the beginning of the year anyway; we are still in a national lockdown, the usual January gym sessions aren't available as they gyms aren't open, we can't catch up with family and friends in per...