So my fourth operation is booked for 14th June - only two weeks before our family holiday to Centre Parcs; typical - however it will probably be the break I need just at the right time.
The operation will consist of 5-6 injections, in my spine, full of a chemical to relive the chronic pain I am in and allow me to have a better quality of life, temporarily, for around a year. As I said before, I don't feel I have much to lose at this point.
Things have been really tough - due to a variety of circumstances, I am verging on chronic fatigue; I can hardly move from my bed, my muscles ache, I have constant headaches and my head has started to tremor, which felt like a mild seizure, when I lie down. I have put this towards stress mostly and have vowed to step away from people and activities for the coming weeks until my surgery, unless I feel up to it, listening to my body the entire time. Its been through so much the last couple of years and has still managed to keep me standing so the least I owe is my body and health the time that it needs.
I have also unfortunately experienced bullying and discrimination to my illness by an individual - I wish to make it clear that it has been unexpected and completely unprovoked, however, this has caused extra stress surrounding my recovery. I always have ensured to stand up for bulling and harassment for as long as I have had a voice and what has happened to me was happening before I realised; like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. It has been upsetting but I'm mostly angry, appalled and disgusted at the actions of the full grown adult conducting their behavior in this way. I have made a point of cutting said individual out of my life but it proves, that even in 2021, when most of us are so open to others choices, lifestyles and disabilities that there is still a very ugly discriminatory streak that runs through our society. The main thing though - is to never let them get away with it, whether it's not 'personal' or if 'that is the way they are' - it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it ok.
In light of mental health week and having PTSD (recent member) and OCD (lifelong member) I have been keeping a mental note of the things I do and the objects around me that keep me grounded. As I have mentioned before, I have reduced, to the point of quitting, my alcohol intake which was my go to for stress relief, downtime and celebrations between the ages of 18 and 30. Alcohol is a slippery sucker; its advertised glamorously on adverts and movies, nearly everyone does it and nearly everyone thinks you're different if you don't. As I've mentioned, if you tell people you're quitting smoking or drugs and they'll pat you on the back and congratulate you - tell them that you're quitting drinking and they'll ask you what's wrong and if you have a drinking problem. On the flip side to all the laughs, nights out and drunken dancing alcohol offers, I've also seen first hand how it destroys people, relationships, how much it causes anxiety the next morning, how badly it affects your body and yet the majority of us go back again and again, after vowing that we'll 'never drink again'.
I'm not preaching and I'm certainly not saying I'll never drink a glass of alcohol again for the rest of my life, but whilst my body is healing and recovering I shan't be drinking. The last time I was 'tipsy' was in Santorini last August (I got drunk, bought a lot of stuff - it's funny now but the next morning I was like 'How much?!') and if I've noticed anything it's how well you sleep when you haven't been drinking - I sleep like a baby, I love sleep! I've kitted out our bedroom with new velvet cushions, Neom 'Calm & Relax' candles and 'Scent to Sleep' pillow mist and sink in to bed at whatever time I feel (recently with the Chronic Fatigue situation its all day and my bedroom has become my cocoon). As a whole, I feel that cutting out the substance that I've relied on for so long, is the best way I could nurture my body and keep my mind calm without any unwanted wine infused anxiety.
Another thing - or thing's - I appear to have accumulated to keep me grounded is a decent number of crystals.
It all started when I went to a reiki session last year and my reiki practitioner asked me to choose a crystal to hold during the session - I'll admit I was very cynical and thought I was just holding a glorified stone - but at the end of the session she gave me two crystals to keep.
Fast forward a year later and now, NOW, I have eight beautiful crystals that sit next to my bed - all for different reasons: Citrine, Rainbow Fluorite, Amethyst, Lapis Lazuli, Aquamarine (very important - the same stone as my engagement ring), Clear Quartz, and two Rose Quartz. I charge them on the top of my garage roof in a full moon and when I'm stressed or anxious, placing them on me brings me calm and peace. It could all be in my head and it could be placebo, but if It brings me the calm I need and it's not harming my body or anyone else then just let me believe my crystals calm me down!
Music is a big part of my life and I listen to it daily; different genres, different artists and without music I think I would really struggle to keep myself grounded and my mind clear by channeling whatever emotion through lyrics, beats or rhythms. Music is one of my loves of our world and society and before I got ill, when my husband is able to look after the children, I would just go for a walk and plug myself in to whatever mood I was feeling through my headphones. Its harder these days, as I don't have the energy to go out for walks as much if at all - but I still plug myself in when cooking or typing and it brings me the calm I need.
Finally, AFFIRMATIONS! if you don't do them, do them - it's telling yourself something out loud to practice positive thinking and self empowerment. Soooo, for example, mine are:
'I am loved'
'Everyday I am getting healthier'
'I am strong'
Your affirmations could be about money ('I am worthy of making more money') love ( 'I welcome love and romance into my life') health, happiness... repeat them every morning and and every evening to begin everyday with a positive outlook and to end the day on a positive thought. It really does work!
Different things work for everyone and I think with the country speeding to normality, whether you're ready to see people, sit inside a pub or not - I think it's important for each of us to stay true to ourselves and whatever it takes to keep yourself sane. I'm planning to log off for a while and take the time I need to reset and rebuild by mind and body to recover from Chronic Fatigue. I also plan to step away from negative energy as it was stress that put me here, and concentrate on my health and my family in the coming weeks until my operation.
With Mental health week at a close - please remember how important your mental health is all year round - I have attached some useful numbers below for anyone that may be struggling right now:
Befrienders Worldwide
befrienders.org
Worldwide directory of emotional support helplines.
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)
0800 58 58 58
thecalmzone.net
Provides listening services, information and support for anyone who needs to talk, including a web chat.
Community Advice and Listening Line (C.A.L.L.)
0800 132 737 (helpline)
81066 (text HELP plus your message)
callhelpline.org.uk
Provides information and support for people experiencing a mental health problem in Wales.
Helplines Partnership
helplines.org
Membership body for helplines in the UK. Includes a searchable directory of services.
Mind Recovery Net
mindrecoverynet.org.uk
Publishes information on recovery colleges, including a searchable list of providers.
The Mix
0808 808 4994
85258 (crisis messenger service, text THEMIX)
themix.org.uk
Support and advice for under 25s, including a helpline, crisis messenger service and webchat.
National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE)
nice.org.uk
Produces guidelines on best practice in healthcare.
NHS 111 (Wales)
111 (Hywel Dda, Powys, Aneurin Bevan and Swansea Bay (including Brigend) Health Boards)
0845 46 47 (all other areas of Wales)
111.wales.nhs.uk
Non-emergency medical help and advice for people living in Wales. The contact number for this service differs depending on which area of Wales you are in.
NHS UK
nhs.uk
Information about health problems and treatments, including details of local NHS services in England.
Nightline Association
nightline.ac.uk
Lists contact information for helplines and listening services in universities and colleges across the UK.
Papyrus HOPELINEUK
0800 068 41 41
07860 039967 (text)
pat@papyrus-uk.org
papyrus-uk.org
Confidential support for under-35s at risk of suicide and others who are concerned about them. Open daily from 9am–midnight.
Relay UK
relayuk.bt.com
Provides a talk/type relay service for anyone who has difficulty hearing or being understood when speaking over the phone. The cost of making phone calls through this service depends on your telephone service provider.
Rethink Mental Illness
0300 5000 927
rethink.org
Provides support and information for anyone affected by mental health problems, including local support groups.
Samaritans
116 123 (freephone)
jo@samaritans.org
Chris, Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
samaritans.org
Samaritans are open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk. You can visit some Samaritans branches in person. Samaritans also have a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).
Sane
sane.org.uk
Offers emotional support and information for anyone affected by mental health problems.
Stay Alive
prevent-suicide.org.uk
App with help and resources for people who feel suicidal or are supporting someone else.
Switchboard
0300 330 0630
switchboard.lgbt
Listening services, information and support for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities
Please also visit Mind - www.mind.org.uk for mental health support.
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