Marching on in March

 I think with a major operation, just because it is over, doesn't mean the struggle ends there. It isn't like having a tooth out for example - the hardest part of the journey is the recovery, the time in between operations, building yourself up to then get knocked back down; stripped of your energy and shine. 

Its been a really hard week. The pain doesn't feel as though it is getting any easier, sometimes it feels as though it is getting worse and I've spent more night's lying awake in pain, than I have in a blissful deep sleep, healing my broken body. 

I spoke to my surgeon this week and expressed my concern over the pain I am still in, five months after my last operation, he said that due to the fact my situation is so unique and the operation's were so complex, he would need to refer me to a pain specialist consultant. My surgeon confirmed that things aren't going as they should with my recovery - in regards to the pain and functionality - for example, my struggle to urinate properly - and that the decrease in pain usually ran more smoothly with previous patients. 

So it's another consultant, another appointment and another hurdle on the horizon. 

I spoke with my nurse the next day to discuss how overwhelming everything suddenly felt and she made the point that the world is struggling mentally right now, the public are struggling and suffering with anxiety and depression due to Covid and the repercussions - add that to three major operations, two toddlers and constant pain every single day - no wonder everything feels overwhelming. My nurse said that at this point, she was concerned that I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was difficult to hear, but not surprising - I've felt overwhelmed, hopeless and on the brink of a panic attack many times during my journey but especially recently - whereby I feel as if I should be feeling a difference by now and I'm not. I'm exhausted, I feel defeated and I'm in constant pain every single day. 

Things got worse when I had my Covid vaccine at the end of the week - I was offered the vaccine as I am both on the chronic illness list and the asthmatic list. The vaccine itself was absolutely fine - and the nurse that gave it to me was one of the nurses that helped to pack my wound all the way back in 2019 after the first operation, so she knew what I had been going through - although didn't know I had been through it again just recently. All that was asked was that I wasn't on any blood thinners and I wasn't pregnant - both of which are negative and I was just pleased to have had the vaccine and it be one less worry on my mind. 

I was aware of the side effects from the vaccine - I had heard that flu like symptoms, aches and chills could happen so I prepared myself for that and went to bed early that evening. What I wasn't prepared for, was the agony that the vaccine caused in my lower back; my scar felt like it was being ripped apart and that someone was drilling nails into where my coccyx used to be - it was pure, raw pain and as if the pain relief had stopped working. On top of the sweats, headache and hallucinations I was in complete and utter agony - to the point of tears. I don't know if the vaccine had inflamed the area, or if something was fighting with my immune system but if nothing else, it confirmed that the pain is not in my head, it is there and without the pain relief I would be in a really bad way. 

This last week has left me feeling incredibly frustrated, set back and further away from the end of the tunnel than ever before, when I have spent the last few months fighting to stay positive and build my life back together again. 

I retuned to work a couple of weeks ago - on a gradual basis, from home, only couple of days a week for now. Logging back on and catching up with my colleagues allowed me to feel a part of my old self again, I felt hopeful and optimistic that this would build back up into working as I did before, where I could feel like my me again and jump back into the real world. I'm determined to continue with this, despite my recent news regarding my pain and mental health, as I feel it is important for me to be focused on something, to feel a part of something and I'm not willing to give up on the job I love because of a health issue I have had no control over. 

The looser my grasp on the control over my health and life, the more overwhelmed I feel - there is a parallel link between the two - losing control appears to be the switch that sparks my overwhelming anxiety and feeling of failure that I'm no further along than I should be. 

I've been throwing myself into baking - continuing and developing my new skill has been something that I have found therapeutic during the past few months - I've stepped aside from the mountains of sausage rolls and tarts and have made a series of birthday cakes for family that I have delivered during lockdown: 

For my sister in law I made a chocolate layered birthday cake sandwiched with fresh raspberries and chocolate ganache. I used the ganache to top the cake and added edible flowers, curly whirly's, fresh berries and chocolate stars for decoration. 

For my mother in law I created a carrot cake topped with cream cheese buttercream, decorated with candied oranges, fondant icing carrots, digestive and popping candy 'soil' and sprinkled with sugar daisies. 

Releasing my creativity has cushioned the blow for the lack of control I've needed to manage over the last few months and now more than ever. 

I'm continuing to take one step at a time and hopefully the pain specialist will provide the answers I need to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.