Twin celebrations

I've recently realised that my children have no concept of time and what is appropriate; it is early February and they are still determined to watch 'The Grinch', 'The Snowman'  - I have heard the chorus of 'We're walking in the air' more times than I can count and it's messing with my annual clock. They look at me with confusion when I stress ' You can't play that it's February!' or 'Please don't sing Jingle Bells; its not Christmas!' - like,' mother, calm down, it's just a song, why does it matter? what is February anyway, aside from just being a word?'. I mean it's not really the response I get, what I actually get is; ' why? why? why? why?'. 

Things aren't how they 'usually' are at the beginning of the year anyway; we are still in a national lockdown, the usual January gym sessions aren't available as they gyms aren't open, we can't catch up with family and friends in person and when we do catch up virtually, there isn't anything to say - no update, no news and if there is news; it isn't usually positive. 

January is blue - after the fuzzy warm feeling of Christmas, we are plunged into a cold, bleak month where the bad weather and low bank account stretches into early February (which isn't much brighter - just a few added roses if you're lucky and the constant Valentines social media posts rubbing it in your face if you're not) and we grit our teeth and hold on waiting for the early birdsong, blossom and beaming mild sunshine that is Spring. 

February is brighter for me these days and it has been for the last four years - my twin son's were born on the 3rd of the month back in 2017. Since - the six weeks trailing after Christmas are filled with me ordering balloons, wrapping the next set of gifts and personalising birthday cards. Usually I would be arranging a birthday party, however this year we do not have that option.  

So I have the added pressure to make up for it. Instead the boys will wake up in the morning to the usual individual pile of small presents and a large present (toy) for them to share. I have ordered a breakfast box from a local shop called 'Golden Bagel' (their bagels are amazing and I'm talking on par with Beigel Bake in Brick Lane - THAT'S saying something!) the box has just arrived and it contains bagels, mini doughnuts, pastries, fresh fruit, cake, croissants and fresh juice. We will share that as a family for breakfast and then allow the boys to spend the morning as they wish; playing, singing and dancing with the background party music - then we have arranged for them to go into nursery in the afternoon (its the next best thing to a party as they get to see their friends) whilst my husband and I will be carrying the personalised 'Paw Patrol' birthday cake that I have ordered from the local bakery for them to take in and share with their friends. They have no idea on half of the surprises or presents but are still incredibly excited. 
I've asked them numerous times this week who's birthday is coming up and each of them will name the other twin, aware they are sharing their special day with their best friend. 

They have become incredibly close in the last few weeks, always wanting sleepovers (sharing one bed) and playing secret little games together that only they understand. They are also causing mischief - their teacher was telling one of them off at nursery the other day for misbehaving and the other one came up to them and shouted ' Don't tell my brother off!' before dragging his brother away. I asked him about it later and he just shrugged and said ' I don't like people telling my brother off' - fair, I thought, but still - keep it on the downlow, you need to disrespect the teacher my son, you have years of it ahead of you. 

I'm also impressed with their social skills - one of my boys has a bit of a soft spot for one of the girls in his class, I asked him how his day was  and he replied with 'Bella was wearing a pink dress with cats on it and a necklace'  - as if that was his highlight and very important information that he needed to report back to me. Fantastic observation my boy - your attention to detail of a ladies outfit will serve you for the rest of your life! 

Amongst all of the excitement, I have spent the last week on the verge of tears. Confused and guilty, due to my recent good news, I've been struggling with the surge of emotions. I've realised that the news has sunk in - and I'm now expected to no longer arrange my life around hospital appointments, but to go back to normal life and I'm not sure ..how? 
Of course I am incredibly fortunate to have a job to go back to and I have had catch ups with my bosses (who were incredibly happy and overwhelmingly supportive of my good news) but I can't jump in too quick - I learnt that from the day I nearly collapsed on the stars at Fenchurch Street (remember that?!) so it would probably be best to avoid chronic fatigue. 

I went to see my nurse for my B12 injection last week and told her how I was feeling; she said I had symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (now confirmed by my therapist) and when I explained that I feel incredibly, sad, angry and upset all of the time she said that it was all of the emotions that I have kept at bay (due to staying strong and concentrating on my health) now coming through with the relief of the all clear. She said this was also common for cancer survivors who go through months or years of treatment and surgery to then get the all clear and feel a bit lost - your life isn't filled the way it was - arranged around appointments, scans and treatment, there is extra time and an expectation to go back to normal - but you aren't the same person; your normal was taken away from you. That's why most people have an 'all clear' or recovery party - for the closure. 
It just doesn't feel how I thought it would; I've been wanting to hear those words 'all clear for months and its happened but I'm still in pain, I still can't urinate properly due to the impact on my nerves, I'm still exhausted and I cant go out and celebrate as I cant go anywhere. I feel like by the time we can, the moment will be gone. It's a bit of an anticlimax. 
I feel guilty as I'm expected to be shouting it from the rooftops - but that's just not how it is.. there is more emotion to deal with, your body is still in pain, I'm so incredibly happy but I'm so angry that it happened, I'm excited for the future but I'm grieving for the time that I've lost. 
I probably would feel better if I could celebrate with a nice dinner or a celebration but that all feels very far away at the moment. I'm frustrated, I've been locked down in my house due to this illness, eight months before lockdown - I'm finding it hard to tolerate the moaning and complaining from others about being locked down, I was dealing with it before when no one understood how isolating it was - I've done my time, I want to break out. 
At the end of it all, I've had three big or major operations in the space of 15 months - its a lot and I'm finally dealing with the parts that I had to push aside whilst it was happening. I feel guilty for feeling it but I cant avoid it. 

I tried virtual meditation for the first time on Friday. It was with my reiki lady, who I obviously cant see at the moment due to regulations. We had a little chat about what was going on, I picked an angel card and then laid on my bed in my pjs whilst she spoke to me over loudspeaker. It was incredibly relaxing and she must have done something right as I slept the whole night through for the first time since my last operation in October! I even had energy in the morning to do the morning routine with the boys on my own whilst my husband laid in. Its taken me months to have the energy to do that and I suddenly felt amazing. Obviously since, I've lost energy and have been managing my rest but at least I now know its inside me somewhere and I'll certainly do meditation again! 

So this week I'm putting aside the hurt and anger of what we've been put through as a family. I'm determined to celebrate my body - not only as it survived and endured the trauma and pain of numerous surgery; being poked, prodded and stabbed, but its housed and grown two beautiful healthy boys - and that's something to be incredibly proud of. I thank my body for surviving everything it has been through and for being so strong. If I've learnt anything, over my journey, its that life is too short and I'm here to celebrate not only my children's birthday but the fact that my husband and I have survived being parents to twins for four whole years and are still together -that's something to celebrate in itself!