April Showers

Perhaps I should join the circus. I'm really good at juggling. 

My life at the moment feel like a series of spinning plates - I'm constantly watching each one and catching the one that are about to fall and smash to pieces. One is my health, then you have my children, my husband, my career and I need to grow more arms to keep them all spinning happily and obliviously to the fact that my head is about to explode.

 
I went to see my surgeon last week and broke down. Embarrassingly crying, hyperventilating and unattractively  broke down and realised in that moment how angry I was. Its been six months since the last operation and I'm still in so much pain; its based mostly where my coccyx used to be but sometimes it shoots down my legs and when I'm stressed it shoots up my back to the point that I can hardly move - I need medication to get me through the day - pain medication at that but now with my PTSD diagnosis that  also includes Citalopram.

 

Every single day I wake up in pain, I move too much and I'm in pain, I get stressed out and I'm in pain.. I'm no baby, I pushed out two children within 15 minutes remember! but if you imagine having a toothache every single day for nearly two years and feel no improvement, you're going to start to lose your mind. 

So back to my breakdown .. my surgeon said he was concerned about my mental health at this point and how much more I could take - he also offered for me to shout and scream at him to help with the anger but I was embarrassed about only crying - to scream at him would be mortifying and I could hardly take it out on the man that saved my life could I? 

He referred me to a pain specialist, who I saw the next day - he reminded me of the dad in 'Honey I shrunk the kids' and I couldn't shake that from my mind whilst he was talking to me. He then asked me to so a series of stretches and movements, which was difficult enough, but then he started prodding and poking the bottom of my spine which was agony - I could have kicked him - he was just making sure it hurt but I could have saved him time and told him that without him punching me in the spine to ensure the pain wasn't in my head (it isn't by the way!) Anyway, he referred me to have an urgent MRI scan on my spine (the previous 16 MRI scans have been on my pelvis) to ensure there is nothing sinister to worry about. 

He then suggested that I undergo yet another operation for him to inject a chemical into my spine to relieve the nerve pain. he believes the pain is coming from my coccyx and whereby its been removed, the nerves still act as though it is there - a bit like a headless chicken. 

Now, I know that this operation isn't major like the last ones and it is to help me (although there are risks involved) but the word 'operation' just triggered something inside me. I put on a brave front in front of Honey I Shrunk The Kids and when I got home I just collapsed; full on panic attack - I was scared, anxious, worried .. another MRI scan! another operation! 

The PTSD symptoms are very real - I have full on nightmares about hospitals, I'm jumpy all of the time, I cant make decisions over silly things and I'm losing my mind. 

But before anything else, I am a mother. That plate is the most important of all to keep spinning and a couple of days later we had booked to take the boys to Chessington World of Adventures; to celebrate them getting into our first choice of primary school. 
I was exhausted but I had to put what had happened behind me, dust myself down and create memories for my boys. They had the time of their lives on rides, seeing the animals in the zoo, running around and being treated to an ice cream in the afternoon. I was anxious about how I would deal with the exhaustion getting around the park, when suddenly my husband had a fantastic idea of getting me a mobility scooter to get around on - and that's what I did; it helped with my exhaustion, the pain and the boys jumped on my lap and zoomed around with me. It was a great way to make the most of the day and not to let my illness get in the way of that. 

Two days ago I had the MRI scan on my spine and I'm waiting for the results. At this point I feel ready just to take on whatever is headed my way. Its been nearly two years since this all began and sometimes I don't know how I've managed it, but its proof of how strong I am and no matter what the tumours have taken away from me, they wont take away my spirit and determination to carry on.