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Christmas spirit and new beginnings

 I've been completely rubbish this year - I haven't sent out a single Christmas card - I've been so wrapped up with organising the office Christmas party, the boys Christmas presents and literally wrapped up in wrapping paper and Sellotape that I forgot to buy the cards and then I intended to buy the cards and times has moved on and a single card hasn't been bought. So if you're one of the kind people that have sent us a card - I sincerely apologise - I will donate the money I was going to spend on a box of cards to charity and I promise to be on it next year! 

I've also decided to take some time out in the next few weeks - I'm tired, exhausted and in a lot of pain. My next operation is booked for 10th January (my 5th operation in 29 months). I will be having X-ray guided lumbar facet joint and sacroiliac joint radiofrequency injections, which are expected to cause a great deal of pain, and I will need to rest completely for around four weeks afterwards. I'm dreading the thought of another hospital bed, another dose of anaesthetic and another road of recovery but I hope this is the last one (how many times have I said that?!) and I will finally get the closure on this journey. Although, I had already arranged for the twins 5th birthday party to be booked only three weeks after - this was planned before the operation, but I am my own worst enemy, honestly. 

I made the difficult decision to quit my job, after eight years, to focus on my health after the operation and take the time I need to rest and recover. The decision was heartbreakingly impulsive - for days I felt like I was going through a break up, imagining my future without the company I'd known and grown up with. I'd started working there aged 23 - childless and still living with my parents - so everything that had happened in between had been parallel to my employment there. However, I felt - even more so now that everything has sunk in, that it was the right decision to make. Many times I had put work first, before my health and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I put work before my children, when things were busy, when I was working late or logging on first thing in the morning. Now I didn't need to worry about when to return to work after my operation, rushing back and undoing all of the hard work during surgery, carrying my heavy laptop and travelling into London, causing myself pain and exhaustion. Despite all this, I'm gutted, as it feels like this is another thing my illness has taken away from me. 

This push was the push I needed - and having the time to reflect, I decided that once my operation was done and I was past recovery then I would throw myself back into the child counselling courses that I started. I passed my first course back in September this year and with all the statistics on child mental health due to recent lockdowns, I have decided to go with my heart when I'm back on my feet, continue to do all the relevant courses and work hard to become a child counsellor. The number of children needing mental health support are higher than ever and I think it would be good to give back. 

Excitingly, I have arranged to meet in person with a friend I met through the SCT support group - we have been talking and supporting each other for around a year through social media and this will be the first time we will have met. It will be amazing to talk to someone who understands the pain I am constantly in and who has been through the same surgery as me. 

With only a few days until Christmas, I am busy preparing more handmade sausage rolls, stuffing and desserts for the rush and madness of Christmas day - we are hoping to spend it with my parents - 
So I will be going into the new year with another operation ahead of me and a career change in the distance - I will leave behind the job I loved for nearly a decade and looking towards positive changes, friendships, learning and new beginnings. It's been a tough few weeks and I'm looking forward to kicking back, spending time with my husband, boys and family over Christmas and toasting to the future. Hopefully 2022 will bring me less pain and better health, God knows I've earnt it and I hope it's finally my time to be free and live my life again. 






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