Attitude

 It started with Thomas the Tank Engine. 

There was an episode where The Fat Controller told Thomas to 'change his attitude' over a trivial but seemingly important task and the my children asked 'what does attitude mean?'. 
Trying to explain certain words or phrases to four year old's is quite difficult but we settled with 'changing how you see, act and deal with something'. A similar issue arose when they asked me what 'pathetic' meant and I spent a while contemplating on how to describe that in basic terms, my answer; 'being a bit silly', but the attitude question stirred something inside me that told me to practice what I preach. 

I've been worried about the next operation, the days are ticking by and with every pre operation form from the hospital, my anxiety is building and pickling my insides with worry. It's the lack of control that is the worst part of it - I have no control on how my body has been dealing with the impact from the major surgeries and the fact this appears to be a 'last resort' leads me to believe that the medical professionals also haven't grasped full control of the situation; they've numerously informed me that my case is 'rare' and that they are using my journey as a learning curve on what to do if someone walks through the door in the shoes I have been walking in over the last two years. This gives me a spark of pride that I could be helping someone although it continues to bubble the worry inside me. 

Then yesterday my surgeon called me for a check up - he wanted to see how I was and to be provided and update on the next leg of my journey with the pain specialist. 

I informed him about the procedure in a matter of days and expressed my worries and concerns on what my future holds; 'What if this procedure DOESN'T' work?' 'What if I react badly to the anesthetic - it will be four times in less than two years, what if I DON'T wake up?' and 'There's only 66% chance of this procedure allowing me to be pain free and only then it's only for a year and a 40% pain decrease' .. it was endless, my anxiety spiraling out of control in the safety of a conversation with the man who saved my life. 

Firstly he informed me that I had less than 66% chance of the first major operation being successful without complications and a colostomy bag - I didn't know that until yesterday but he expressed how it was successful , to the extent that none of the complications were permanent, therefore I've been through worse. He lead on to giving me to the most inspiring pep talk; he said I'm stronger than I think, that when my head is in the right place, I can do anything and deal with whatever this illness throws at me. He compared it to someone who would walk over hot coal's - that someone who manages that does it with their attitude and mindset and ultimately I just need to change my attitude and believe that the procedure WILL work, that I WILL wake up and that with this being the least risky operation that I've been through, it WILL BE successful and it will be the start of getting my life back. 

He said how proud he was of me of how I'd dealt with everything over the last two years and that I'd met each bulletin of bad news with 'humour and strength' - just don't give up now. 
It was exactly what I needed and I needed to hear it from him as he had been by my side since the beginning - he'd seen part of it that I hadn't seen (head down, bum up in the air on the operating table) and his control became my control. 

last night I went out for a work dinner in London for the first time in a long time, with Covid and my illness, I haven't been out for dinner even in my hometown, let alone in the city. When I arrived in London it felt so familiar and I almost felt like my old self again. I had a lovely dinner, conversation that had nothing to do with my illness and I even had one cocktail where i secretly toasted to my body, my health and the next set of hot coals that I'm yet to walk over.

 
The battle is no where near over but I feel more prepared than ever to fight for my health and to not let this beat me physically or mentally.