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Baking update!: I baked more homemade sausage rolls for Christmas! and I made a pork, apple, cranberry and pistachio stuffing - it was gorgeous!
This Christmas was an unusual one; everyone said it. I'd bet good money that the most used phrase in the last few weeks were; 'Hopefully I'll see you when this is all over' or 'Lets hope next Christmas will be better'.
I'm currently within the five blurry days between Christmas and New Years Eve - whereby you have no idea what day it is, eating Christmas leftovers and too much chocolate. I actually missed the feeling of having an alcoholic drink over Christmas - so I had a red wine with my Christmas lunch, something not unusual to what I would have done 'before' - as it turns out, I can't seem to stomach alcohol anymore - it's almost as if I was rewired in the operation - a barrier put onto my liver.
The last 'big' night out I had was at a friends 40th, back in January 2020 - before social distancing was something we even thought about. I had a couple of spritzers and was tired, aching and in pain by 10pm - I spent most of the evening sitting down - due to my lack of energy. I felt like an elderly relative and when I came home - sober and aching, I just hoped that I would eventually get my boost back by the end of the year (needless spoiler - I haven't) - the night is young and I'M still young - forget the alcohol - I just want to be able to dance!
We went for a family walk yesterday - just the four of us; we live close to some woods as decided to stick on some wellies and tell the boys we are going on a 'bear hunt'. The track was muddy and both boys had splashed oozing mud up their trousers after 5 seconds of leaving the house. Further up the track, it got incredibly sticky, one child lost his welly boot (which I had to try and retrieve whilst holding him up out of the puddle) and the other child was determined that he didn't need to hold a parents hand whilst making his way through the mud, that he would do it on his own - I hadn't even finished my sentence of 'you might fall over!' when said child faceplanted the muddy bog and then once he came up for air he complained that he was dirty. After that it was as if he had jinxed himself as he was falling over all over the place - like Bambi on Ice. We all couldn't stop laughing (whilst pulling him up out for the mud every five seconds) . Once we reached our road people must have thought we had got bored in tier four and decided to cover one if our children in mud for fun - he wasn't impressed but found the funny side over a hot chocolate later on.
Christmas was enjoyable - the boys were excited to see that Father Christmas had arrived and bought them presents. I did my best at making the cookies and carrot ,left for Father Christmas and Rudolph, look eaten and 'crummy'. The only issue with twins - especially if they are the same sex, is that they are usually into the same stuff (being the same age) and share everything - so I did my best to separate toys into individual sacks and 'piles' to make them feel like Father Christmas thought of them individually. Its's something I've always tried to achieve during the last three years as a twin mother - trying to ensure they are known as individuals. I hated the terms 'twin 1 and twin 2' when they were younger - the nursery used to refer to them as that an It annoyed me - they are almost branded as a set when they have their own names, own personalities, own likes and dislikes and feelings. Even when they were babies I very rarely dressed them in the same clothes - and I still don't. strangers have said to me (yes back to the random comments I receive on the street) that it's a shame that I don't dress them the same as they would look so cute in the same outfits; and that's the very problem there - by dressing them in the same clothes I'm doing it because of how it would look - they've never asked to wear the same clothes; they are individuals and deserve to not be seen as a pair. They already share so much and I don't want them to lose their independence by depending on the other.
I can also bet that no-one is really bothered about new years resolutions this year - especially the ones that were plunged into tier four only a few days before Christmas (us too!) - all we care about is getting through the end of 2020 sane and to continue to stay sane amongst whatever 2021 brings us. Hopefully our freedom.
I'm of the opinion that if you haven't achieved anything this year, it's ok - if you've survived and managed to keep it together- then that's an achievement in itself.
I've been reflecting on the year that's coming to an end- all the sorrow, worry, sadness and anxiety it must have caused so many people; and our own stress; if my body could take anymore, the worry of my already weak and fighting body catching a virus that has caused so much devastation.
Then the good points of the year; the people that have come together, the closeness and the joy of seeing someone for the first time in months once the lockdown was lifted in June. Our beautiful baby nephew who was born in November; and the pride and love that I feel not only for my nephew but also for my brother and his fiancé. The close bonding family time my husband and I had with the boys over the spring - creating so many memories and spending my 30th birthday in lockdown, which at first was a disappointment but turned out to be one of the best birthday's I've had; surrounded by love - the moments in our jacuzzi and the long warm evenings sitting outside.
I haven't got any resolutions, this year, as such - I've always made new years resolutions; as if by the strike of midnight I'll be a different person with new found motivation, but really I'm just the exact same person, on a different day with a different year on the calendar. In the coming year I'm just going to work at becoming stronger, continue to eat well, rest when I need to and take time for self care when it's needed;
- Count your blessings - yes, its been a hard year, another major operation amongst a pandemic - I'm going into the new one without a coccyx, struggling health and plenty of exhaustion; but there are people who have lost loved ones, homes, jobs and their livelihood's this year. I can go into the new year thankful for the love, support and kindness that I have received throughout this year and the people behind it.
- Pick up from where you left off; becoming ill again stopped me form working - it also stopped me from playing with my children, running and doing the things I enjoyed. Once I'm back on my feet (and with a little help from my personal trainer) I'm determined to carry on from where I was and be the energetic, healthy mother that my children deserve.
- One day at a time; I get tired, I ache, I'm in pain and somedays I can't get out of bed - I vow to stop beating myself up for it and continue to give my body the day's off it needs until I get better. You can't pour from an empty cup.
- Believe in your abilities at all times - Any push back, negative comment or hurdle can set anyone back - I felt like I was thrown back to square one when I received my MRI scan results in August 2020. I'm determined to pour back into my skills, abilities and focus on where they need to be applied. Life is too short.
- Don't give up - incase you have forgotten, from 5th January I will be going to the gym to work on my core. Its scary and daunting as I'm embarrassed that I am so weak compared to when I was 'well'. I need to remember that my body isn't what it was two years ago, nor am I the same person. Your drive and motivation will be different and in six months time, you'll be glad you stuck at it.
- Continue to give to charity (where you can) - Especially during these difficult times. I donated to a handful of charities over lockdown this year - Age UK, Streets of London, Silverline and food banks. In a year where we have all come together (I don't think I spoke to my neighbour's more, than when we were in lockdown and seeing everyone in their gardens or at the front, having a cup of tea together from a distance) It's important to stay humble.
- Carry on baking - Take the time to do what you enjoy
- Writing.. see above....
I wish everyone reading this blog a happy, hopeful and healthy new year - thank you for reading and for all of the kind comments and support. It took a lot to put myself out there and fight for awareness of sacrococcygeal teratoma's; whilst making my thoughts and feelings public, talking about what happened to me and how my recovery is going. The kind and overwhelming comments have made me glad that I did and I thank each and every person who took the time to read, share and comment on this blog. It's one of the best things I can take from 2020 amongst all the sadness, so thank you. x
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