When it all happens at once.

This week marks one year since my last major operation. I haven't written a post for a while and that is mostly because there hasn't been much to update, on my recovery, no good news that that I can end on a positive note, no 'I'm pain free' or 'I'm feeling much better' - which is frustrating as it is negative and I didn't want this blog to be doom and gloom - however, I did want it to be honest - so I'll write an update which is exactly that. 

After my pain specialist left me pondering the four options I had, in order to proceed with my recovery, I went to the pharmacy to collect my monthly prescription of Citalopram (taken for OCD and PTSD in my case, but we all have our own story) - the GP at the pharmacy confirmed that my pain specialist just went ahead and changed my medication anyway (remember it was a matter of replacing my citalopram with a 'rubbish anti depressant' which was a good pain relief but a 'RUBBISH' antidepressant - his words! ) and so I was citalopram - less, cold turkey - may I add - and was given this new medication. I wasn't happy the decision had been made for me but I'm even less happy now. 

In the midst of all this - we were packing boxes to move into a rented house for a few months, whilst our own house is being renovated. So I was full of OCD in the midst of messy boxes, clutter and dust - which as you can imagine was a total dream -and at the same time my body was adjusting to new medication. 

The universe clearly didn't think we had enough on our plates, so one of our poor children (and us)  a few sleepless and tummy ache filled nights (said child, not us) which turned into constant tummy aches and then blood spotted fluid that he had thrown up, which then became clear that we wasn't dealing with a sickness bug and I got on the phone to a doctor, who referred us to a consultant who referred my poor little baby for blood tests (traumatic), scans (less traumatic) and a stool sample (traumatic for me, hilarious for the twins who danced around singing 'mummy's going to be sick' whilst I spooned poo from a big pot into a smaller pot and gagged the entire time). 

The above dramas, on top of life got a bit too much - which I blamed on the huge chemical imbalance, thanks to the change of medication and my head suddenly felt as though it was in a fog - I couldn't see a way out, I was tired from the painful sleepless nights - mostly due to the chronic pain which wasn't (still doesn't) feel like its getting any better, I was stressed, working more than I probably should have and not eating properly. Suddenly, like a snowstorm,  I had flashbacks from being in hospital, panic attacks about having another tumour and having to go through surgery again; the constant fear that something was going to happen to me.   I could see from a third person what needed to change but I scarily thought that maybe the boys and my husband would be better off without me and the burden of my constant health problems bringing the vibe down. 

I want to make it clear that I know its not true,  I know the thoughts are serious and that's why I'm writing about it - for anyone else in that position, I struggled to get out of bed, out of the house, put on my smile for the kids and work and I felt like I just wanted to hide away - but I talked and talked - I talked to my therapist - who was cross that I had been taken off citalopram cold turkey,  I talked to my husband and I talked to my mum and my friends and I was honest - I knew it was the medication talking but I knew I had to tell people what was going on, mostly I spent days crying. 

That was only two weeks ago - since then I have managed to book an appointment with the psychiatrist I spoke to last year (see post 'O what now' ) and we are to discuss another anti anxiety medication that I can go on which won't affect the pain medication that I am on; I have also managed to book a series of sessions with my therapist which will help with dealing with things going forward and I have arranged an appointment with my pain specialist to discuss having another pain injection operation (see the post before this one) and exactly what my options are. I've tried to do the 'conservative' (his words, not mine) way and it hasn't worked, I'm worse off than I was and I. can't. live. like. this. anymore. 

Chronic pain is misunderstood, complex and soul destroying. In research; About 25% of people with chronic pain will go on to have a condition called chronic pain syndrome (CPS). That's when people have symptoms beyond pain alone, like depression and anxiety, which interfere with their daily lives. I need to do whatever I can to try and live a pain free life. I've been thorough enough. In regards to mental health - being in pain everyday would make anyone lose their mind and it's no surprise, that without the cushion of antidepressants, that I have reached my limit. 

On the subject of my son - we are still awaiting the full results, but with a diet plan and cutting our certain food groups - he seems to be much more comfortable and happier - so It appears there is an allergy or intolerance which will be pretty easy to deal with. We just wanted to ensure it was nothing sinister. 

We've moved into the rented house by the way and so things feel a bit more organised and settled. I had a few reiki sessions, played with my crystals (I recommend placing an amethyst on your forehead for a bit of calm and balance) , bought myself a Himalayan pink salt lamp which I put next to my bed ( they improve the air quality, help you sleep and boost your mood - what's not to love?!), stayed in a hotel in London for work rather than dealing with the commute when I knew I was exhausted,  and made final touches to a little holiday over October half term for boys and in a caravan near the sea along with my parents which is something to look forward to. My parents also kindly had the boys overnight last night and this morning I slept until 11am - I haven't done that since my early twenties; my body obviously needed it. 

 I look forward to the coming appointments I have and to make sure that I put myself onto the right track. For anyone that feels how I did, two weeks ago, I urge you to talk to someone, anyone, helplines are available. Things do get better and there are options out there.  This isn't how the story needs to end and this certainly isn't how the story ends for me and my journey. I didn't go through all of that for nothing. 

• Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), email jo@samaritans.org or visit some branches in person. You can also call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).
• SANEline. If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).
• National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK. Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (open 24/7).
• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). You can call the CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) if you are struggling and need to talk. Or if you prefer not to speak on the phone, you could try the CALM webchat service.
• The Mix. If you're under 25, you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (3pm–midnight every day), request support by email using this form on The Mix website or use their crisis text messenger service.
• Papyrus HOPELINEUK. If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling, you can call Papyrus HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 (weekdays 10am-10pm, weekends 2pm-10pm and bank holidays 2pm–10pm), email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 07786 209 697.
• Nightline. If you're a student, you can look on the Nightline website to see if your university or college offers a night-time listening service. Nightline phone operators are all students too.
• Switchboard. If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you can call Switchboard on 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day), email chris@switchboard.lgbt or use their webchat service. Phone operators all identify as LGBT+.
• C.A.L.L. If you live in Wales, you can call the Community Advice and Listening Line (C.A.L.L.) on 0800 132 737 (open 24/7) or you can text 'help' followed by a question to 81066.
• Helplines Partnership. For more options, visit the Helplines Partnership website for a directory of UK helplines. Mind's Infoline can also help you find services that can support you. If you're outside the UK, the Befrienders Worldwide website has a tool to search by country for emotional support helplines around the world.