What a pain in the a***

Perhaps I should join the circus. I'm really good at juggling.  My life at the moment feel like a series of spinning plates - I'm constantly watching each one and catching the one that are about to fall and smash to pieces. One is my health, then you have my children, my husband, my career and I need to grow more arms to keep them all spinning happily and obliviously to the fact that my head is about to explode.   I went to see my surgeon last week and broke down. Embarrassingly crying, hyperventilating and unattractively  broke down and realised in that moment how angry I was. Its been six months since the last operation and I'm still in so much pain; its based mostly where my coccyx used to be but sometimes it shoots down my legs and when I'm stressed it shoots up my back to the point that I can hardly move - I need medication to get me through the day - pain medication at that but now with my PTSD diagnosis that  also includes Citalopram .   Every single day ...

This week marks my 31st birthday.  I have mixed feelings - I feel as though my recovery has been slow and that I haven't felt much improvement, but I have felt more positive than I have in the six months since my last operation - as though I am due and deserve to celebrate.  As we ease out of lockdown, the options to celebrate are limited, but if I'm honest with myself I don't yet feel ready for the big wide world - aside from my boys, I feel like I have no news or change to report and have felt stuck on pause for weeks upon weeks. I haven't drank alcohol for a long time and wouldn't feel ready to 'party' as such -  I'd like to stay within the cocoon I've built around myself until I'm healed enough to face everyone.  We plan to spend the next three days as a family of four or seeing immediate family on both sides;  celebrating and creating memories, hopefully with some sunshine (!!)  I'm looking forward to Covid restrictions easing further, w...