Rebuilding

As soon as we returned from our holiday at Centre Parcs; my other son came down with the chicken pox. They timed it well - neither of them were unwell during the holiday, allowing them both to enjoy it, which I was very glad about, but I can't believe how well they timed it. We also found out on our holiday that the boys are identical twins - after four years of believing they were non identical, being in separate sacs and two placentas  but looking very similar as they grew up - we took a DNA test to find out (mostly for any medical purposes in future) and it turns out my little boys are identical twins! 

After a fun packed holiday, we were back to reality with a bump. I had used muscles during swimming and activities that I hadn't used for months and I felt tired and ached when we returned. However, I could feel a slight, SLIGHT improvement in the pain. Nothing amazing, I wasn't about to jump up and start ding cartwheels BUT the pain had improved and that was AMAZING! After two years I actually felt positive that I wouldn't be stuck in a tired and painful cycle for the rest of my life.. there was light at the end of the tunnel! 

Unfortunately amongst the chicken pox, there was a lot of sleepless nights and a horizontal child in my bed waking up every hour as he was itchy - and I was scrambling around in the dark for chamomile lotion, Calpol and water whilst trying to comfort said child who was not only itchy but burning hot and crazily dehydrated (hence the water). It was a few rough nights and then my husband had a convenient stag do to go to smack bang in the middle of the itching, oat baths and hot sweats and swanned off leaving me in a puddle of chamomile. 

The night that said chicken pox infested child slept through the night, the other one - who had just recovered from the pox came down with a stomach bug and was up every. single. hour. the poor little thing - obviously had caught all sorts of bugs from nursery whilst his immune system was low. 

Luckily, my mum had come to stay and we took it in turns nursing my children - which was a god send as if I had done this all by myself, with the pain I'm in and my energy levels being how they are; I probably would have thrown myself out of the window before my husband returned home or just cried on his shoulder covered in bodily fluids and lack of sleep. 

Then the pain came back and I felt (still do) incredibly exhausted and the hope I felt when the pain appeared to have improved took a hit as I realised that yes, the pain has improved - if I sit down, rest and not go anywhere. But as soon as there is activity, strain, stress or a lack of rest; the pain is very much there.

This has also tested on my determination to rebuild my life and sub consciously shed the skin I had been wearing over the last two years to start again. 

I began with booking a chemical face peel (yes, I meant literally shedding my skin) and returned to the lady I had visited to make my face beautiful before my wedding, in 2019. 

She took one look at me under the biggest, brightest light and said ' You've had an operation haven't you?' - I hadn't said anything about what had happened so I was surprised and asked her how she knew - she said that the top layer of my face was so damaged from medication, anesthetic and a struggling immune system that it was peeling off. She must have seen this under her big light as I hadn't noticed my face peeling off and she said that a chemical peel would only cause further damage and that she was going to perform a deep hydration facial instead. I was still getting a facial so I didn't complain but I felt disheartened that my illness had taken yet something else away from me. 

It was suggested that I continue with deep hydration facials over the coming months - whether this was a sales technique or if my face really was coming apart, I don't know, but I had to trust her as a dermatologist and booked up those facials anyway. 

My second stop was the dentist - this one I was really worried about as my last appointment was in spring 2019 - just before it all happened. I went there excitedly talking about my wedding and my boys with not much of a care in the world looking back. 

My six monthly appointments came and went as I had to cancel them due to an upcoming surgery or recovery and so when I did arrive at the dentist, two years later, the hygienist asked me where I had been. 

I mean, with Covid, it cant have been a huge surprise that I wasn't travelling into London to get my teeth cleaned but I told her the story anyway, all the way from the beginning and It felt like I was reliving it again, being somewhere where I had last been healthy ( or so I thought). I couldn't really hide it anyway, I had my coccyx cushion with me and she was really shocked at what had happened. As I live it everyday I forget how random and crazy its all been. Then came the questions, that I am now used to; 

'How did you find out about the tumour?' 

'what were the symptoms' 

'How rare is it?' 

Sometimes I wonder if these are asked out of interest, kindness or if deep deep down people are worried that what happened to me, is going to happen to them.. 

Anyway, after a clean I was directed to the dentist who I was sure was going to tell me off (every time -  I don't know why I turn into a child going to the headmasters office in every dentist chair) and after a check up and an x-ray, she confirmed that there was erosion on my back teeth due to the medication but overall I had strong teeth and they are pearly white perfection! I almost couldn't believe it, but I was over the moon. 

I spent four years in braces so my teeth are very important to me and if I found that they too were crumbling away along with my face and that I would be left looking like a pirate, I probably would have given up. But no, I may not have a face but I have a good smile! 

Along with check ups, I have also created a bucket list (see previous post) which I believe to be achievable; some more than others, but I've not given a time limit on anything and things change, things may get added but right now, the goals I have stated are important to me. 

Although the last few weeks have been tough, as I stated before, I'm a mother first and when my boys need me, my recovery comes second. There is no right or wrong way to recover from major surgery, or a cancer scare; hurdles get in the way and nothing always goes to plan but I've invested in the power of saying 'no' to events if I'm not up for them and listening to my body - as it deserves - its got me through so much. 

But with checking in, rest and creating small goals for the future, I believe (hope) that I am on the right track.